When Your Ex is a Co-Worker
It’s like he didn’t know there was the potential for huge problems when he asked Sara to marry him. “It wasn’t like we were blind to the fact that this could be a disaster,” said Patrick Cuneo, an editorial writer for a daily newspaper, Erie Times-News, in northwestern Pennsylvania. “We talked about it many times. But my guess is that one or both of us wasn’t ready to be married. And how do you know that until you were in the middle of it?”
Cuneo says that he and his bride-to-be were aware that getting married and working for the same company had the potential for some major league headaches if the marriage went south. Which it did. “We were married for about a year when she started seeing someone who also worked at the paper,” said the 52 year old. “But no matter who is at fault, whatever the circumstances surrounding the break-up, the outcome creates a bad situation for everyone, including other coworkers who also happen to be your friends.”
Divorces between employees at the same company are more common than many realized, even in light of the fact that more and more corporations are instituting rules against dating and marriage between coworkers, according to David Rasner, veteran matrimonial lawyer and co-chair of the Family Law Group of Philadelphia-based law firm Fox Rothschild. “I have had many clients in this situation,” said the 61-year old. “It gets complicated for the obvious reasons. What matters is how they relate to one another and to the rest of the work force. What is the chain of command? Do they work on the same floor? Do they see each other a lot?”
“But it gets much more complicated when one of the spouses is a family member. For instance, if the wife is also the daughter of the owner and marries someone who works at the company.” Which is precisely what Cuneo did. “By far it was the biggest complication. I was married to one of the daughters of one of the operators of the paper who was a board member at the time,” recalled Cuneo.
Being 30 at the time, Cuneo still remembers how difficult it was to face his father-in-law about the divorce. And he was worried about losing his job. “I had to talk to her whole family. It had to be done. So I told her father, our marriage has failed and I still want to work here. This might drive a big wedge in things ” he said. “But surprisingly, he was really wonderful about the whole situation. He was a very nice man, and said all I want for you is to get healthy and survive out of this. He was worried for me as an individual. It was a great support mechanism.”
Cuneo didn’t lose his job and is still working at the newspaper 20 years later. But in the interim, it wasn’t easy. “It was volatile, especially when the break up was happening. I would get angry calls, outbursts from her. And I was just feeling lousy about all of it. Of course, I was angry and she was angry. There were no physical confrontations, just a lot of awkwardness and volatile telephone calls. And of course, there was the division of friendships, because you both have the same friends and most of them work there. But I learned a valuable thing. When a friend says he wants to remain neutral, he can’t. And won’t. It was so awkward. For months and years to come.”
And so it is, says Rasner, and there is no way around it but to walk through it. “The tension is there in the environment and everyone feels it. It shows in how the two interact and how the employees view it. The question is how long does the animosity they have bleed over into their work relationships?”
To help hasten through the animosity stage, move the parties closer to resolution, Rasner encourages his clients to talk to each other and face the issues outside of company walls. “I am the kind of lawyer who encourages his client to talk to the spouse because I can get in the way. Simply to talk to one another and bring about resolution. You don’t want a third party making a decision about your life, but the work place is not the place to have this meeting.”
Dawn Cardi, a matrimonial lawyer in private practice in Manhattan, agrees. “There has to be a level of confidentiality and privacy. I advise my clients who are involved in this type of situation to immediately involve human resources about what is occurring and to limit the scuttlebutt. You don’t want to bring it to the office water cooler. Any employee who brings their personal problems into the work place will suffer some repercussions in terms of the employer.”
While Cardi stresses that office gossip should be minimized at all costs, Raskin says it’s not easy to silence the grape vine. “I certainly tell them to pay no attention to what is being said, but that’s easier said than done. Words are words and words do have effects. I tell them they are just going to have to tough it out.”
“That’s absolutely true. It’s about perseverance and getting through it,” said Cuneo. “I was the focal point of gossip, the center of it. The 200 some employees here, they all knew about it. They all talked about it. It’s a difficult thing to get through.”
But through it you have to go. And Cuneo was one of the luckier ones. He still has his job. Some aren’t as lucky. In more than one case, someone ends up quitting, or is fired. “Often that does happen. It’s usually the person who has the lesser position,” said Cardi, 56.
“Yes, it has happened in my experience, but it shouldn’t happen,” added Rasner. “If both parties have viable jobs there, I would hope that they would work constructively so that their bad feelings didn’t spill over into the job. They need their economic stability, especially if they have kids. It costs more to support two families than one so both of them need economic resources. Just because you’re getting a divorce doesn’t divorce mean it’s the end of your life. Or that you should change your life, either.”
Lenore Skomal is a career journalist with 25 years experience. The author of nine books and columnist of an award-winning weekly column in the Erie, Pa., Times-News, she also teaches college journalism in Pennsylvania.
Lenore Skomal is author of nine books and columnist of an award-winning weekly column in the Erie, Pa., Times-News, she also teaches college journalism in Pennsylvania.
Trend: Keeping Quiet about Split
Famous former Beatle Sir Paul McCartney is fighting for one in his high profile divorce; pro-golfer Greg Norman is embroiled in a battle with his ex over violating one in their divorce settlement; and, oddly, rock idol Mick Jagger never did have one with former model Gerry Hall. And now she is telling all in a new book about their life together -– the good, bad and ugly.
“It” is a confidentiality clause, and while it has been very common in the business world of mergers and acquisitions, in the land of matrimonial law, it is almost the exclusive property of the very rich and famous. “In my years in matrimonial law, I have never heard of or used a confidentiality clause in a divorce settlement,” said Joseph Trotti, 49, a practicing matrimonial lawyer of 26 years whose practice, Capell Vishnick LLP, is located in Lake Success, N.Y.
“It’s used quite often in business agreements where there are obvious reasons why things like trade secrets need to be protected under a confidentiality clause. I don’t understand them in divorce cases. After all, with matrimonial cases, unlike any other litigated cases, there is a already a level of confidentiality built in. Namely, only the parties or the attorneys can access the files in court. Divorce settlements are not public documents so there is a protection from the public eye already there.”
But apparently that level of confidentiality isn’t enough when you’re talking about many millions of dollars or tainting your celebrity status or good name on the front page of tabloids. “Confidentiality clauses are a must for certain high profile and or high income earners in order to protect their privacy lest it impact the ex-spouse’s professional life,” explained Manhattan-based matrimonial lawyer Dawn Cardi, 56, who handles the type of high-end divorces that implement such clauses.
In a nutshell, the clause prohibits either divorced spouse from talking about the divorce with anyone. Not mom, a best friend, and certainly not the media. “Signing a confidentiality clause means that neither party will disclose anything to anyone about the terms of their divorce, unless it is court ordered, without permission from the other party – that is, parties outside those who are on a need to know basis such as their lawyers and accountants.”
Cloaking the financial status of one of the main reasons for the use of a clause. “That’s not surprising. In general, most people don’t want others to know how much they are worth,” she said. “For instance, you don’t want your first wife to know what the next wife got. And you don’t want her coming in and asking for more child support for previous children once she knows that. A confidentiality clause would not allow anyone to discuss net worth or the details of a person’s finances.”
While finances play a big role in the decision of one party to push for a confidentiality clause, there are other reasons as well. “Moral behavior and terptitude also come into play,” she said, noting that affairs or scurrilous behavior by a high profile individual can often be part of the confidentiality clause.
“The clause could also cover fraud, or issues regarding improper business practices. Things and past actions that can hurt people and their reputations, also their children, ” she said, adding that many times spouses know a lot about each other’s dirty laundry, and a clause in the decree can assure that those details remain unaired.
While celebrity and billionaires might consider confidentiality clauses part-and-parcel of their divorce battle paperwork, your average middle-to-upper income, soon-to-be-divorced couple, whom the majority of attorneys like Trotti represent, don’t. “I never had that experience in matrimonial cases. I don’t know if it makes any sense. There would have to be a remedy if the confidentiality clause is breached,” he said.
And there is. Standard confidentiality clauses also have built in punitive damages, according to Cardi. “If you violate it, you have to pay X amount of dollars. It’s a liquidated damages clause. Whatever the violation is, the person is always entitled to sue for damages. A solid confidentiality clause will stipulate exactly what is covered,” she said.
“The problem I have with that is that the party in good faith may not say anything, but there are other parties that were involved who might. And something could get leaked out. Then you wind up in a series of other lawsuits. I see it being a nightmare and the possibility of further litigation. It would be hard to enforce,” said Trotti.
But as Cardi explained, the enforcement is often the threat of possible litigation itself. Plus, the signee often is “rewarded” with some monetary incentive. “There is a financial kicker for signing a confidentiality clause. Definitely. The party will get more money as a sweetener,” she said.
To some, however, the money just makes it worse. “You are being paid off under the premise that ‘I don’t want world knowing our business.’ But the truth is that your spouse just wants to hide something. Why are you going along with protecting his bad behavior?” says Bonnie Russell, who operates the web site www.FamilyLawCourts.com, a type of watchdog Web site for the family court system.
Russell is also the founder of www.1st-pick.com, a Del Mar, Calif.-based public relations and referral firm for attorneys, physicians and Realtors. “Anyone asking you to sign a confidentiality clause has something to hide. That’s the bottom line of a confidentiality clause. Bad behavior or sliding money around and the injured party is prohibited from talking about it. How is that different than a gag order?
It is different from a gag order, even though the effect is tantamount to the same thing: silencing both parties. “A gag order is issued by the judge and is basically an order preventing the parties or attorneys from speaking to the media,” said Trotti. “Confidentiality agreements are crafted between the parties about what they can or cannot speak about to anyone else outside those with privilege.”
“A file can also be sealed, which is also a directive from the court, is done so that no one at all can look into it. This is most common in criminal cases and those involving juveniles. Cases can only be sealed or unsealed by the court. And you never hear that of a divorce file being sealed,” he said.
While confidentiality clauses in divorce contracts are now standard procedure for certain high-end, high-profile divorces, even the lawyers who negotiate them understand that it boils down to one thing. “Control. I personally find it very controlling, but if my client is in a position to sign one, I make sure it’s as specific and as narrow as possible. That’s the key. Broad confidentiality clauses are open to broad interpretation and can leave your client vulnerable,” said Cardi.
Broad or narrow, paid for or not, some people just aren’t convinced that confidentiality clauses are in the best interest of both parties. “They make no sense to at all. If you stipulate to them, you can be bludgeoned and find yourself back in court. What are you trying to keep confidential? People know when other people are wealthy. To me this just is once again a case of the golden rule: he who has the gold makes the rules.”
Lenore Skomal is author of nine books and columnist of an award-winning weekly column in the Erie, Pa., Times-News, she also teaches college journalism in Pennsylvania.
Divorce Got You Sick and Tired?
After a divorce, a two-letter word you’ve likely neglected is “me”. While you still need to care for your children (if you have them), you also need to take care of yourself. One of the first steps to independence is determining you are physically healthy to carry on a solo lifestyle. This means seeing a health professional.
Dawn Cardi, a New York City-based family lawyer who works with men getting divorced, says she advises men get a physical after a divorce – and to keep the focus on a healthy lifestyle. “It’s a combination of mental and physical health,” she notes. “Guys coming out of divorce should seek out counseling for a period of to time to discover and heal, and they should spend more time with children who are also healing.”
“Keeping it healthy and positive is crucial,” she adds. “Letting go of the anger is key to healthy living. Self knowledge is key to not becoming a repeat customer.”
Even if you haven’t been to a physician in ages, it is never too late to set up routine appointments. Before your appointment, make a list of all problems — even if they don’t seem health-related. Money worries and relationship difficulties can affect your health, and it’s important to tell your doctor, no matter how embarrassed you are. Your doctor’s job is to prescribe treatment — not judge you.
Make sure to be honest with your doctor. Says Cathy Meyers, a divorce mediator who went through her own marital split a few years ago, “We don’t have a great deal of information on the effects of men’s health after a divorce. What evidence we do have reveals that men find divorce more emotionally problematic than women. Men also appear much less emotionally prepared for separation. In large part this may be due to the fact that most break-ups are started by women. During the emotional upheaval that often follows, men are fairly poor at expressing a range of emotions, which may appear to reveal them as angry and/or indifferent.”
Divorced men, recently burned by marital discord, also may find it difficult to discuss sexual problems; bowel and bladder troubles; and drug and alcohol issues, but concealing this information can put your health in jeopardy. Make a concerted effort to schedule regular screenings for cholesterol (at least every five years, starting at age 35), blood pressure (at least every two years), colorectal cancer (starting at age 50), diabetes (if you have high blood pressure or cholesterol), depression, STDs and prostate cancer.
Follow these strategies for better health:
1. Take action.
Don’t stress over that lump or mole. Get it checked out. Seeing an expert has much better results than wondering.
2. Don’t lie.
Even if you don’t like the fact that you smoke or drink, it is important for your doctor to know. You won’t be able to receive the best treatment otherwise.
3. Seek treatment at the first sign of an illness.
The earlier you connect with your doctor, the sooner your doctor can determine treatment.
4. Keep communication open.
If you feel uncomfortable around your doctor, it may be time to switch to another practice.
In order to maintain proper self-care habits, adhere to these tips:
1. Pick a type of exercise you enjoy and stick with it.
Physical activity can help you reduce stress, lose weight (if needed), build muscle, and look and feel attractive.
2. Eat healthy and often.
It is important to remember to eat healthy. The United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) offers an eating plan based on each individual’s age, sex, weight, height and physical activity. Go to www.mypyramid.gov and click “MyPyramid Plan” for more information.. Ask your physician which vitamins and supplements are right for you. This may help you to better manage stress.
3. Don’t turn to drinking, smoking or abusing drugs to deal with stress.
This can lead to addiction — and with your whole life ahead of you, addiction is not the path you want to take.
4. Don’t bottle your anger.
It’s OK to feel infuriated, but you need to let out your anger safely. If you get out of control, seek a therapist. There is nothing wrong with talking to a professional to help.
5. Transforming your home by painting and moving the furniture or art can reduce stress.
A change in scenery is vital to moving on with your new life.
Fifty-year-old Carll Tucker, divorced after 26 years of marriage, took this notion to the extreme. After a lifetime of doing what was expected, he changed his scenery — by taking nine months to drive across America in an RV. His new scenery (which included solitude and limited space) allowed the author of “The Bear Went Over the Mountain: Finding America, Finding Myself” to reflect on his marriage and heal. It was also here that Tucker learned to cook healthy, steer clear of anger and socialize.
“Divorce pisses you off — big time,” he said. “Lawyers do their best to pick fights — it increases their fees. Your soon-to-be ex will shock you with her callous and underhanded behavior (as you, no doubt, will shock her). Anger escalates. Don’t let it.
Tucker also advised divorced men to take a trip — though it doesn’t have to be as “long and crazy” as his was. “Hang around your old haunts and everything will remind you of happier days. Your new life may turn out to be 10 times more fulfilling than your old one, but you’ve got to start living it to find out,” he advised.
Brian O’Connell is freelance writer and author. A single father of three, he has authored 15 books and has bylines in major national publications. To learn more about Brian, go to www.brianoc.com.